Psychedelics

This topic fascinates me and lots of people I’ve met. I was raised in the Nancy Regan era of “the war on drugs.” Between the constant messaging I got at school and some people close to me who struggled with addiction trying mushrooms, DMT or the like was never something I considered an option. Then I read, “How to Change Your Mind” by Michael Pollan. Pollan writes of his own consciousness-expanding experiments with psychedelic drugs like LSD and psilocybin, and he makes the case for why shaking up the brain's old habits could be therapeutic for people facing addiction, depression, or death. This started my years-long side project of learning about how altered states of consciousness can lead to healing. I didn’t have the slightest idea how to access the psychedelic chemicals Pollan wrote about but I did read quite a few things about how “breathwork” could transport a person to a similar state of consciousness. Then I read a lot of things about conscious connected breathing and how the body’s blood PH changes during certain types of breath and how we can create our own psychedelic experience in our bodies. I sat on that knowledge for a long time.

I didn’t feel comfortable taking myself, without guidance, into such a vulnerable state. So, years later when taking a breathwork class became an option I was so excited to try. I went into the experience with enthusiasm, excitement, and a mind willing to allow whatever wanted to come to come. To this moment I find it shocking I was so open to being vulnerable because for me, like so many of us, vulnerability is a hard thing to sign up for, especially with a stranger. Though my husband was there and I felt immediately at peace with our instructor. She gave us some guidelines, discussed what to expect, told us how to position ourselves so we would be comfortable, and then we started breathing.

I had my first psychedelic experience. This doesn’t happen for everyone. My husband who was literally 6” away from me had a totally different experience. However, as I lay there breathing I had visions. I saw my babies who didn’t make it to this side of life surrounded by my female ancestors. I felt the love that exists in every part of the fabric that ties our world together. I especially felt the love of those who had come before me. My grandfather, who died the same time I found out I was pregnant with my middle child, was there, almost as if in the room. I can’t recall this experience without feeling the tears well in the backs of my eyes. He reached his hand to me. I had no idea how much I needed that hand until I embraced it. I can’t find the words to actually express the love and peace I felt, but it was profound. I sobbed and it was the most cathartic cry I ever had.

As we returned our breathing to normal my brain returned to a mostly normal state of consciousness. I expected the experience to fade instantly. Ever the skeptic I assumed it was a chemical reaction in my brain and not “real” in any sense. All I can say about the “realness” of the experience is this: To this moment I can remember the feel of my grandfather's hand against mine. I can remember the way the space smelled when I saw the women who came before me holding my babies. I have a vivid memory of my grandmother's face looking down at me. I also have never had another moment of unresolved grief over the babies that I never got to birth. That isn’t to say I don’t feel sad when I remember but, honestly, now I picture their sweet faces being held against the chests of these amazing women.

So, when someone asks me if Breathwork causes a psychedelic event I say, “If that is what you want, go in with a completely open mind. Go in without fear. Maybe most importantly go into the experience willing to have your heart cracked open.” None of that guarantees a particular kind of experience but I promise you will get what you need, even if you don’t realize it right away.